Thinking to your self

lets see if i can articulate this properly. things might start sounding really... fuzzy, or circular.
I think to myself a lot. Its not like just thinking, the normal linear kind. Its more like talking to myself in my head. I kinda have, I wouldn't really call them conversations, but conversations with myself. its not like a separate entity, I don't refer to myself in third person or anything crazy like that. Its more like what your reading here, this is how I think to myself. its not like I do this all the time, usually I think in that unconscious way that most of us do. But sometimes I realize that I'm doing this weird internal thinking, and that's when things start getting circular.
I never thought to myself like this when I was a kid. i don't think most kids are conscious of their own thinking. We just did. much more 2d, just flat and simple.
I started to think like this when I was probably in middle school. Maybe it was because I was pretty antisocial and all I did was read books, so I started to think in the same way books read. This part is normal. I just started thinking with more depth. But what started happening was I would notice it in a kind of detached way. I would observe myself thinking, or talking to myself. I would notice my voice for example, what it sounded like. I would try to change it, make it sound like someone else. I started observe my thinking as i read, how i made different voices for each character, and how, after a while, I stopped seeing the words but still saw the story being played out.
Then I started to think about how I was thinking to myself. If I could think to myself and then observe how I was thinking to myself, and try to manipulate it, who was I thinking to in the first place? How could i be a single person if I was made up of more then one consciousness. Its normal for people to be multi faceted, but it was just a weird feeling to have all these sides being conscious of each other.
if you want to know what it feels like, or if you just dont know what the heck I'm saying, then do this. put a mirror in front and behind you, they should be parallel. The angle one of them so they are no longer parallel but still reflecting off each other. then stand in between them. thats what it feels like.
i came up with a theory. Currently I can make 3 of my levels of thinking aware of themselves and each other. There is an image i think of when I think about this, and I tried three times to write it but its just not working, so yah.
That's probably why I like to write so much, because then I don't have to keep stewing on what I have been thinking to myself about. its just written and over with. That's how LEED: How to Change the World came into being. I was thinking to myself, and I was really getting worked up over it. I imagined myself presenting it to the class and saying everything I said. And then I realized that I was creating a whole situation in my head and decided to write what i imagined myself to be saying to the class, then actually say it to the class. the final draft came out raw. I had already written the whole thing in my head with out realizing it, so all i had to do was actually write it. What i read to you all was exactly what i read to myself and imaginary you all in my head. that is exactly how i think. what your reading is how i think, i dont really edit on this blog.
I don't think this way all the time though. it's exhausting. I really like to try to keep things simple. to think like i did when i did when i was still just a kid. its good to ground yourself on simple things and not complicate them. I try to always think this way, but i cant, i'll just be chilling and then all the sudden I realize im doing it again. It usually happens at night. I'll be siting there thinking and thinking. sometimes i'm thinking so much that I can't sleep because I'm conscious of my thinking, and its loud. sometimes I think into my dreams.
I guess this is why I'm able to control my dreams so often. I have gotten use to being aware of my (or at least part of my) subconscious. I'll just be dreaming and then I'll realize, hey, I'm dreaming, I can control all of this. Then I'll start doing what I want, which is actually a lot harder then it seems, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm the one in control. Sometimes are easier then others.
Sometimes it's more inception like. I'll fall asleep, then wake up the next morning with a fully developed idea. It happened with Great Gatsby, and a couple more times. I just woke up one morning and realized all the parallels between Great Gatsby and the Count of Monte Cristo. It's happened to my mom before, where she wakes up and comes into my room talking about an idea she had when she woke up that would look great for college, or something i needed to do, or some connection between a podcast she had listened to and my life (yah, she thinks about me a lot)
I think Anya is like me. but she doesn't suppress it like i do. I try not to think like this too much, its kinda scary. i'm afraid that i'll open to many of my subconsciousness's and then just forget about everything else and constantly be living internally. it feels very spiral like.
so on that note i probably dont want to be brewing on this for much longer.
im not crazy by the way. I just get carried away with my thoughts some times, which i try to avoid doing too much. so yahh...
(this is why i run, so i can just stop thinking!!! it especially sucks when you are keep thinking about stuff you dont want to think about)