next year

1-osprey platforms with the juniors- fun good for the environment and good for the juniors to learn how to work with materials
2-making plant holders out of recycled plastic (decorated)- we can put them in special ed class rooms and help them grow the plants together
3-compile seasonal recipes- blog/patriot press
4- contact local farmers, maybe visit a farm if we are lucky
5-farmers market!!!!

nervermind

yah... much easier said then done... i guess i was being to idealistic about moving past my stress

the end!!!!

Ap's are done!! but stress isnt. i've decided to just take things as they are. i've accepted the work. i'll do it. i'm not going to be able to avoid it. but im not going to brood on it (too much). i think that maybe, once we just accept that school will be, we wont be so fixated, and can just move on and start focusing on what really captivates us. the homework wont go away, and i know it will never be tolerated if i totally just drop my grades and rebel. i will work hard, i will put time and effort into my school work, i will. nothing in my day to day life will really change. but i've come to terms with it and i've adapted. i wont only be talking about work now, it wont consume me. im going to make a difference. i want to be inspired. im excited for the potential of the future! i have work ethic. i'll go far. even though the school system is ridiculous, and it doesnt focus on issues that i feel really matter, it doesnt mean i have to hold myself back, just brooding on the monotony of my privileged life. i have to remember to look further. there is more! there is more!!

Just drank a milkshake

the internet is pretty boring, or I just dont really know how to utilize it properly. im guessing its the latter. how do people even learn how to be internet savy? I guess i didnt really join the bandwagon until recently. My friend made me a facebook when I was in 8th grade, and I didnt actually start using it until the end of 9th grade. im still no quite sure how to upload pictures yet, and it wasnt until this year that I progressed past the two finger typing stage. I would have to beg my parents to type out my essays for me. I guess I was a late bloomer. I didnt really start talking again until high school either. In middle school (shudder) I just read and read and read. I loved it. While everyone was conquering the art of online socializing, I was honing my "walking in the hall ways while reading" skills. Now i'm pretty much normal... i think. I go on facebook, but I dont really do much. I usually dont chat, or comment, or post, I have this stage fright problem with some things, random things. For example, I DO NOT have facebook statuses or have wall to wall convos because I feel self conscious, and I get panicy when I have to run in track meets because I dont like people watching me, but when it comes to speaking in front of a group, it really isnt that hard for me. And blogging! This is technically similarly to facebook posts, but I have no problem writing here. I guess its because on facebook, everyone is hooked in, and here, I guess its more intimate, like a little nook in stead of a huge stage.
I spend alot of time on the internet despite my ineptness. Its very mind numbing. but i always get off feeling bad. but its addictive even though I find it boring. running is a much better alternative. its like a form of meditation. you dont think while you run, you get a mental holiday, you think only in the present, which is rare for juniors who are always thinking about their next homework assignment, or SATs, and just getting themselves totally stressed. And the best part, is that once your done, you feel satisfied. You achieved something and your body gets a nice little runners high. its good, im glad I got into running.
One thing I really regret is the lack of reading time I have been getting. Lang was awesome this year. I really feel that I have been exposed to the deeper level and interpretation of books. I use to just think that books were stories, and all i read were those 2 dimensional books. but these great american novels are so deliberately and seamlessly CRAFTED. but that has been all in school reading. it not enough. thank god for the New Yorker. while it doesnt really replace books, its is a quick fix. the articles are well written and intelligent and interesting. want more STORIES though. something more intimate. I've been looking for sites on the internet that has this kinda writing, i guess it would be a blog. kelly reed has one. i read it and its really good, but it makes me feel very confined and tied down and a little hopeless. her "ending on a good note" usually is about god, and i respect that and can see how she sees it as the answer, but i dont believe in god, so it just is a little empty to me. but some of the are very bright, maybe thats not the right word, very fulfilling, satisfactory, harmonious? well i think i should read more. im not looking for a blog that totally agrees with everything i think, that would be boring, i like her quirkyness. her blog is much more polished then mine. i dont reread any of this before posting. it really is just my stream of consciousness. not real forethought. writing actually helps me think more so it probably comes out as rambling. maybe i should attempt some crafted writing.... when i have time. right now this is easiest for me, and it gets what i want done. i just am worried about how i write. i dont know what to call it... my pace? well something in the way i write is off. my grammar and sentence structure is completely whacked. on the SATs i nearly got a perfect on my comprehensive reading, but fucked up on the writing section. my dad, who is my chief editor for my essays and more formal pieces, says that my writing would be fine as prose, but doesn't really work in terms of the rules of writing. well sometimes are worse then others, i cant really tell myself though.i dont know if i really want to change my style though, i think it helps get my voice across more accurately.

Osama

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

mosh

so went to a concert this week end and it was awesome!!!! the band is called Brand New. i actually really had no idea who they were, my friends are huge fans though and they invited me along. it was a giant mosh pit!!! the whole mosh thing kinda took me by surprise. first i was surprised, then i was scared, and then i had A LOT of fun!! they didn't let anyone bring water in for some reason so during the concert they were passing cups of water through the crowd (i hope no one had a serious disease...). water was spilling every where!!!! i got soaked! i always like school dances because i really do like to dance, not that weird dace floor rape thing that people do, but just fun dancing. the problem with high school dances is that if your not grinding you are awkwardly standing, and im usually part of the small group that actually move while the rest of my friends stand petrified. that's why this was so awesome!!! everyone was dancing. it was so crowded that its not like a taboo if you brush up against someone. its so dark no one is really watching. its great to dance!!!! i want to dance for hours and just feel all the vibrations from the music boom in my chest! i totally want to go again. it was so surreal. even the violence is okay. sometimes ppl kinda pushed the line and i wanted to just yell them out. but even that was fun. everything was heightened to a point it felt unreal. very unnatural. the whole atmosphere was fabricated. i guess that just says something about our "suburban bubble" concept i have been stewing on. our lives are so dull, and even our out lets are fabricated in the same fashion, but with a different purpose. but then is music just a huge emotional fabrication?? i think some of it is, like those really theatrical rock types, and even grunge, all the things they are singing about are derived from a life style that has been removed from the greater context into a bubble of its own. i really am starting to like tribal and folky music, its like a breath of fresh air, its all based on the environment its set in, not just emotions. i dont know i dont know. reality can be divided into so many categories. everything is real i know, but our perception.. argh!! some day i'll be able to articulate all this, just wait, i'll be able to say it properly. but right now i just confuse my self as im writing.

best article ever!!

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/04/18/110418fa_fact_osnos

so I was reading the New Yorker and read this article, The Grand Tour. The New Yorker always has great articles, but this one was really exceptional. It's basically a satire, the format really reminded me of Huckleberry Finn. It's about the new influx of Chinese tourists in Europe. It really opens the reader up to a new perspective and shows how backwards we seem to the Chinese.
Read it.
I'm not asking you to read the whole thing (its pretty long), but at least read a page or two, you won't regret it, its really a great laugh.

holding it out until spring break

Spring break is way too late this year. seriously, I cant be working nonstop like this, its unhealthy.
I have made up my mind. I'm not gonna go crazy over grades. I'll just float on through this week, cross my fingers and hope my grades don't tank.
Spring break, I'll chill for 5 days, doing fun, interesting activities, and just rejuvenating in general.
Then I'll get the AP, ACT, SAT, SAT 2 studying shit done with. come back to school with most of the pressing matters on my to do list crossed off, get straight A's (seriously, none of my AP's will actually do anything after the exam), get 5's on my exams, kill the SAT and SAT 2's, then have a little break, study more for ACT, take it, then im off!
Oh summer, so close but so far...
I just need to hold it out until Spring Break, small steps, I can do this.

other stress's:
-i hope my club gets approved!!!!!! It's gonna be so great! I've already collected the articles and stories that I want us to read!
-ahhhh! book drive! I have everything in place. I'm gonna get mrs Pickell's signature 2morow at Twinbrook, then I'll talk with the financial person, then I'll just post my fliers EVERYWHERE. I just hope people actually donate... (AHEMM, LEEDERS, DONATE BOOKS!!!)
-I need to get rid of my damn sports bra tan lines! I'm wearing a strapless dress to Junior banquet!!! I don't exactly have the time to just sit out and tan. I'm always playing sports when i'm out side!
-I want to write some stories but I dont have the time. I want to readddd!!! Ah my books, come back to me soon!
-I need shorts
-i have a cold/allergy's and it sucks

other then all that, life's good. I really love my lunches everyday. track is sweet! and I'm really enjoying this blogging thing. The first time i tried to do this was kinda a fail, I thought I had to be really deep and mature and all, but you dont, Its nice to just let loose and write stuff.
oh and it would be great if everyone else put up more posts! i find your posts to be very entertaining and not stupidly mindless like facebook.
ookay??

Just gotta love her

I am completely obsessed with Florence and the Machine.
She is just so cool! I wish I was like her.
Not just the singing part too, she just seems so happy!

Junior year has been whatever until about this week
its like i just got hit over the head with stress
i don't know why, I've been handling things well, but all of the sudden I feel like I cant breath
I feel all pinched, my face is pinching, my neck is pinching, i feel like my heart is pinching up as well

I always wanted to live outdoors in the forest, ever since elementary school I wanted to be an elfish thing, a sprite or such. Florence really acts this way, kinda whimsical, wild. really just free. but not unconnected. free as in free to follow her passion. not just floating along aimlessly free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvMfbfZKVbY&feature=grec_index

watch it!
i just feel so much better after listening to her songs, and watching her ramble is great!

I love you too Little Red :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCdxT_xwpNk
isabellllaaaaa~

Thinking to your self

lets see if i can articulate this properly. things might start sounding really... fuzzy, or circular.
I think to myself a lot. Its not like just thinking, the normal linear kind. Its more like talking to myself in my head. I kinda have, I wouldn't really call them conversations, but conversations with myself. its not like a separate entity, I don't refer to myself in third person or anything crazy like that. Its more like what your reading here, this is how I think to myself. its not like I do this all the time, usually I think in that unconscious way that most of us do. But sometimes I realize that I'm doing this weird internal thinking, and that's when things start getting circular.
I never thought to myself like this when I was a kid. i don't think most kids are conscious of their own thinking. We just did. much more 2d, just flat and simple.
I started to think like this when I was probably in middle school. Maybe it was because I was pretty antisocial and all I did was read books, so I started to think in the same way books read. This part is normal. I just started thinking with more depth. But what started happening was I would notice it in a kind of detached way. I would observe myself thinking, or talking to myself. I would notice my voice for example, what it sounded like. I would try to change it, make it sound like someone else. I started observe my thinking as i read, how i made different voices for each character, and how, after a while, I stopped seeing the words but still saw the story being played out.
Then I started to think about how I was thinking to myself. If I could think to myself and then observe how I was thinking to myself, and try to manipulate it, who was I thinking to in the first place? How could i be a single person if I was made up of more then one consciousness. Its normal for people to be multi faceted, but it was just a weird feeling to have all these sides being conscious of each other.
if you want to know what it feels like, or if you just dont know what the heck I'm saying, then do this. put a mirror in front and behind you, they should be parallel. The angle one of them so they are no longer parallel but still reflecting off each other. then stand in between them. thats what it feels like.
i came up with a theory. Currently I can make 3 of my levels of thinking aware of themselves and each other. There is an image i think of when I think about this, and I tried three times to write it but its just not working, so yah.
That's probably why I like to write so much, because then I don't have to keep stewing on what I have been thinking to myself about. its just written and over with. That's how LEED: How to Change the World came into being. I was thinking to myself, and I was really getting worked up over it. I imagined myself presenting it to the class and saying everything I said. And then I realized that I was creating a whole situation in my head and decided to write what i imagined myself to be saying to the class, then actually say it to the class. the final draft came out raw. I had already written the whole thing in my head with out realizing it, so all i had to do was actually write it. What i read to you all was exactly what i read to myself and imaginary you all in my head. that is exactly how i think. what your reading is how i think, i dont really edit on this blog.
I don't think this way all the time though. it's exhausting. I really like to try to keep things simple. to think like i did when i did when i was still just a kid. its good to ground yourself on simple things and not complicate them. I try to always think this way, but i cant, i'll just be chilling and then all the sudden I realize im doing it again. It usually happens at night. I'll be siting there thinking and thinking. sometimes i'm thinking so much that I can't sleep because I'm conscious of my thinking, and its loud. sometimes I think into my dreams.
I guess this is why I'm able to control my dreams so often. I have gotten use to being aware of my (or at least part of my) subconscious. I'll just be dreaming and then I'll realize, hey, I'm dreaming, I can control all of this. Then I'll start doing what I want, which is actually a lot harder then it seems, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm the one in control. Sometimes are easier then others.
Sometimes it's more inception like. I'll fall asleep, then wake up the next morning with a fully developed idea. It happened with Great Gatsby, and a couple more times. I just woke up one morning and realized all the parallels between Great Gatsby and the Count of Monte Cristo. It's happened to my mom before, where she wakes up and comes into my room talking about an idea she had when she woke up that would look great for college, or something i needed to do, or some connection between a podcast she had listened to and my life (yah, she thinks about me a lot)
I think Anya is like me. but she doesn't suppress it like i do. I try not to think like this too much, its kinda scary. i'm afraid that i'll open to many of my subconsciousness's and then just forget about everything else and constantly be living internally. it feels very spiral like.
so on that note i probably dont want to be brewing on this for much longer.
im not crazy by the way. I just get carried away with my thoughts some times, which i try to avoid doing too much. so yahh...
(this is why i run, so i can just stop thinking!!! it especially sucks when you are keep thinking about stuff you dont want to think about)

badly drawn boy- year of the rat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PScUdYTO0UM&feature=autoplay&list=AVGxdCwVVULXe1iZtC06J4UkW1fkMFrIza&index=6&playnext=6

just feel good :)))))))

citrus and chocolate

got home from a two days of college visits. sat down, ripped out a chapter of AP World notes, then ate some dinner (my parents went out with friends, so I made it myself).
After eating out for the past 2 days, and eating lunch at college dining halls, im pretty sure this was the best meal I have ever had. Salami on toasted tuscan bread (trader joes!) with slice apple and guddah (sp?) cheese.
I love food. It is definitely a family thing, mostly from my mom's side. My mom, i know every one says this, is the best cook alive. everything is home made, always.
My dad once told me a story about when they were dating in college. he walked into my moms dorm one day to find her cooking a whole chicken in her little toaster oven. this should give you a little insight on what a foody I grew up around.
I always new this about my mom, but my most recent discovery was my grandma, Baba.
Baba has sneaked into our house to leave food for as long as I can remember. It always made my mom really annoyed.
Now that i think about it, my grandma is a food hoarder, she always has piles of food in her trunk. I guess thats part of the reason she is always pushing some of it on us, she must realize her little problem.
but she grew up in an impoverished part of Ecuador, so I dnt judge.
but the worst insult you can throw at her is to refuse food or money from her. but she will NEVER accept food from anyone else. she is actually really mean to waiters at restaurants. i learned very early to never let her order.
but this is old news. baba has gotten alot older, and is turning a little senile, and not to mention hard of hearing. its probably because of this that im becoming more aware of a gift she has.
baba has never been good at communicating. but recently when i spend time with her, she talks about food.
I love to hear her speak about her meals. her voice gets soft and full, she closes her eyes as if she is savoring it as we speak... I can taste it.
when she tasks about food her words are never jumbled or confused. she might not have picked up commonly used english words, but her culinary vocabulary is perfect. she is descriptive!
she describes every step she took in making her meal, every bite as she ate it. she remembers it all, she might not remember that you made plans with her that day, but she remembers every morsel of her meal.
I really feel connected to her when she is in this sort of food trance. I have always loved the way books described meals.
in middle school i was a book nerd. i didnt socialize, i read, i lived through books, i ate through books. some times the food described in books made the simplest meal a fixation for me. bread and cheese with tea for example. i would eat it all the time. i would literally be hungry for books. I savored descriptive words.
and now, i find this same feature in baba, just when it seems like our communication lines are slowly starting to erode, to find this vividness that has manifested its self in her mind through food.
Yah... we are totally Foodies. I wonder how many other Foodies are out there, just normal civilians, doing there thing in life, and savoring the most simple joy... food
especially in high school, a lot of people (girls) are corrupting the essence of food, constantly worrying about weight ect.
yah, im a girl, i worry about weight, but i dont take it out on my food. I eat good food that makes me feel good. if i wana loose weight i run. its simple.
its annoying to see people eating the equivalent of one meal a day (usually consisting of unhealthy processed stuffs) while constantly torturing themselves, fixating on everything in the world they would like to eat. thats how people start binge eating kids!
i love food
i love the chocolate my mom bought. it is milk chocolate with raisins and almonds in it. and its the best with a tangerine. im actually just finished eating just that.
thats why i wrote about food today.
i just looked over at my dessert and though "oh my god. you are delicious. you are beautiful. i love you"... CONFESSIONS OF A FOODIE!!!!!!!

Sooooo Much

It's junior year.

I'm not really an overachiever, well I wasn't until this year.

The actual school work isn't that bad, I'm actually doing better then last year! [but I might get 2 B's this quarter:((((((]

I think my expirience at Brown is what really triggered this change in me. Just being in that amazing environment... surrounded by those profesers who are so passionate, creating a community, a support network for ideas, with other campers... the energy there was infectious! Everyone was convinced we could do anything, achieve anything!

But the hard part was keeping that momentum back home. I really owe my mom, she helped me keep my focus, and just overall, had already taught me the basic skills and mindset necessary to get things done (never let an opportunity pass; just ask, you won't lose anything; just do it right the first tine; follow through with your commitments; communicate ect)

The Geography Out Reach Program I established at Twinbrook was an amazing expirience. I'm not going to go into detail about the obsticals I over came and such, but really, it has made me realize how achievable things are. I have been applying the process I learned from this Program to several other projects I'm working on now.

It's so simple, and there is no time to wast, no reason to wait, to make change.

I can't believe how complacent so many of my peers are, really. We are at a turning point in our lives! Ican feel it! What we do now, what we lay the foundations for, will affect us for the rest of our lives. It's sad to see the people, nice people, wating opportunities, it's a let down, because it really is hard to turn yourself around.

It's sad to see how many people are pouring there life into school, and because they have no real will of thier own, will have wasted their time soaking up information they will never actually put into use. The things we learn in school are extremly useful, I know that in application they are indispensible. But so many people will just learn... then never do anything. Doing things is a skill to be learned, and they are so incapable of time management, so consumed by school work that really shouldn't take up your life, that they will never learn it. It makes me sad.

I really don't like doing things alone, but it is a hinderence to work with, to rely on, people that will fall through with promises, or are just plain old put downers.

My next mission is to find more people who have real ambitions, real dedication, real work ethic, real inspiration, I'm tired of pinning my hopes on the kinds of people that just complain but never actually do anything, they are hypocrites.

I'm going to create a circle like the one I had at Brown. it will be an incubator, a support network for ideas!

This actually is really relevant to my college choice. I didn't really care about what college I would go to, I would just get into a decent college make some friends and just go on my way. But now college is the perfect opportunity to surround myself with intelligent, motivated people that would support me and teach me, because I am still far behind so many great leaders and there is still so many problems to solve. I need to go to an amazing college.

But right now I'm doing what I can in my own community. I'm applying to a bunch of scholarship and summer opportunities, the junior thing. What I'm really excited about is the club I'm starting. It will be a group of passionate thinkers and together we will grow, thinking more deeply, understanding new perspectives... Actually doing something with our revalations.

I'm so excited!

and in truth, all I have said is extremely simple