the internet is pretty boring, or I just dont really know how to utilize it properly. im guessing its the latter. how do people even learn how to be internet savy? I guess i didnt really join the bandwagon until recently. My friend made me a facebook when I was in 8th grade, and I didnt actually start using it until the end of 9th grade. im still no quite sure how to upload pictures yet, and it wasnt until this year that I progressed past the two finger typing stage. I would have to beg my parents to type out my essays for me. I guess I was a late bloomer. I didnt really start talking again until high school either. In middle school (shudder) I just read and read and read. I loved it. While everyone was conquering the art of online socializing, I was honing my "walking in the hall ways while reading" skills. Now i'm pretty much normal... i think. I go on facebook, but I dont really do much. I usually dont chat, or comment, or post, I have this stage fright problem with some things, random things. For example, I DO NOT have facebook statuses or have wall to wall convos because I feel self conscious, and I get panicy when I have to run in track meets because I dont like people watching me, but when it comes to speaking in front of a group, it really isnt that hard for me. And blogging! This is technically similarly to facebook posts, but I have no problem writing here. I guess its because on facebook, everyone is hooked in, and here, I guess its more intimate, like a little nook in stead of a huge stage.
I spend alot of time on the internet despite my ineptness. Its very mind numbing. but i always get off feeling bad. but its addictive even though I find it boring. running is a much better alternative. its like a form of meditation. you dont think while you run, you get a mental holiday, you think only in the present, which is rare for juniors who are always thinking about their next homework assignment, or SATs, and just getting themselves totally stressed. And the best part, is that once your done, you feel satisfied. You achieved something and your body gets a nice little runners high. its good, im glad I got into running.
One thing I really regret is the lack of reading time I have been getting. Lang was awesome this year. I really feel that I have been exposed to the deeper level and interpretation of books. I use to just think that books were stories, and all i read were those 2 dimensional books. but these great american novels are so deliberately and seamlessly CRAFTED. but that has been all in school reading. it not enough. thank god for the New Yorker. while it doesnt really replace books, its is a quick fix. the articles are well written and intelligent and interesting. want more STORIES though. something more intimate. I've been looking for sites on the internet that has this kinda writing, i guess it would be a blog. kelly reed has one. i read it and its really good, but it makes me feel very confined and tied down and a little hopeless. her "ending on a good note" usually is about god, and i respect that and can see how she sees it as the answer, but i dont believe in god, so it just is a little empty to me. but some of the are very bright, maybe thats not the right word, very fulfilling, satisfactory, harmonious? well i think i should read more. im not looking for a blog that totally agrees with everything i think, that would be boring, i like her quirkyness. her blog is much more polished then mine. i dont reread any of this before posting. it really is just my stream of consciousness. not real forethought. writing actually helps me think more so it probably comes out as rambling. maybe i should attempt some crafted writing.... when i have time. right now this is easiest for me, and it gets what i want done. i just am worried about how i write. i dont know what to call it... my pace? well something in the way i write is off. my grammar and sentence structure is completely whacked. on the SATs i nearly got a perfect on my comprehensive reading, but fucked up on the writing section. my dad, who is my chief editor for my essays and more formal pieces, says that my writing would be fine as prose, but doesn't really work in terms of the rules of writing. well sometimes are worse then others, i cant really tell myself though.i dont know if i really want to change my style though, i think it helps get my voice across more accurately.
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